A stranger’s question

Kidney functions – those were the words emblazoned on a computer screen in bright red.

Peering through gold rimmed spectacles was a young man with a red hoody over his head and white earphones with loud hip hop music blasting through to his brain.

He plucks them out of his ears and asks me, “if the train is going forward does that mean we’ll fall backward?”

Not quite sure what he was asking me, I asked him to explain himself.

Before I knew he’d swapped seats and he was telling me about himself and how he wants to do things to help people.

Not long afterwards he asked if i’d listen to his music – he’s a budding artist, you see, with 200 tracks to his name.

Intrigued by this young man, I had his ear phones in my ear listening to his music interrupted only by stories of his life and plans for his future.

He wanted to know what I thought about his music. I had to be honest, it would sell but it won’t help that many people – the music did not represent the person.

Before me sat a medical student desperate to help people and eager to be famous. He hinted at a troubled past and fractured relationships. In 10 minutes i gathered he’s in a music band that will be splitting up, he’s had to repeat his final year and he’s dating an unavailable woman. I imagine his got wealthy parents and is from a political family in Nigeria well connected to those in authority and he may be seen as a ‘successor’ to power.

As the train pulled to a station he asked me, ‘now you’ve listened to my music, what do you think I should do? Follow the path of medical science, become a consultant, and hopefully go into politics and become a successful politician in Nigeria or follow my music and become a super star… ? “

As I sat there stunned by the weight of his question knowing I’ll never see him again in my life, I asked the Holy Spirit to speak…

He hurriedly packed his things, just before he left the train he looked back and asked me, ‘ what should I do?”

“just help people…” was all I managed to say… He smiled, mouthed the words and waved good bye…

 

Have you had a random conversation with a stranger? Tell me about it…

Free to re – offend

News reports  tell us there are about 4000 immigrants released from jail who haven’t been or will not be deported. Most of them are living in limbo – free to roam the streets and re- offend.

Mr Vine – the Chief Inspector of the Border Agency discovered that, as of May this year, there were 3,775 foreign criminals who had been released from prison but had not been deported. Nine in ten had been granted bail by the courts.

Of those at large, 87 had committed crimes in the “most serious” offence category which includes murder, rape and paedophilia. More than 400 were in the “more serious” category such as serious violence or other sexual offences. Another 1,600 have finished their sentences but remain either in prison or immigration detention awaiting deportation because they pose a high risk. A further 12 are missing after either being released directly from court or referred incorrectly, he said.

I find the justice system a curious thing. Some of these offenders who will be deported will most likely re-offend and commit heinous crimes in their country of origin. The self-preservation of the justice system is very blatant as it reflects its jurisdiction to preserve and protect human life but only British citizens and not humanity in general. So it’s ok for the UK to release a SriLankan serial rapist done for GBH back to Sri Lanka. Who cares what he’ll do in Sri Lanka, so long as Brits are rid of him hey?

I’m sure in developed countries something is done with the information and a deported criminal isn’t just let loose on the streets, but what about those less developed nations where corruption is rife and justice goes to the highest bidder? Places where more people live in fear for their safety on a daily basis – who’s looking out for the little guy?

striking pose of the Home Secretary Theresa May

While we’re considering what the Border Agency has revealed, it’s difficult to ignore the ongoing immigration scandal it is embroiled in? Early this week Migration Watch  revealed findings from a survey which revealed that 8 in 10 Brits feel the UK is over crowded – shocking news! Right? Wrong.  

Whether the UK is overcrowded or not is beside the point, we all know what popular perception is about immigration, having the stats to prove it only helps to raise fears and cause confusion about it, the result – knee jerk reactions by the Border Agency.

Which makes it the worst time for news reports to reveal immigration officers have waved people through the gates without checks -  I’m sure a lot of Nigerian travellers can not identify with the complaints that not enough passport checks are being made at border control – thousands of potential terrorists may have been welcomed in, but I get the sense even if immigration officers were directly instructed by the Prime Minister to wave everyone through, they’d still stop and check Nigerians and give them the third degree. 

I have to say though, this is probably not the best time for Nigerians to be under the immigration spotlight. News of bribes for visas by Nigerians not only worried me, it made me feel ashamed. Like it wasn’t difficult enough being Nigerian, here’s one more thing that would cause extra attention at passport control. Reading about the visa corruption just made me shake my head. I can just imagine it. Someone decides they’d like to travel to London and then a friend of a friend tells them they know this guy that can arrange the ‘pali’ but it’ll cost them. It goes without saying that there will be repercussions for this and a lot of genuine travellers will be affected, somehow i get the sense this would have huge financial repercussions, it always does.

Anyway… thanks for enduring my immigration rant… needed to get that off my chest… next post!

Stingy Rich

Why is it that those who have in abundance are the least likely to give. Or when they give they are extremely frugal. I’m not a millionaire and I don’t know what I’ll be like if I were one, but I’m increasingly shocked by how people are driven and controlled by materialism. This is probably poverty mentality on my part, call it what you like but I’ve noticed most generous givers, give from little. I guess I’m thinking more about the attitude of giving rather than the gift itself.

For instance. I know a girl – B- who owns a house. Her close friend – M- is homeless – in the sofa-surfing-kind of way and B’s property is free, it’s a three bedroom house in the centre of town, a very easy commute for M. There’s been a lot of hinting, out right asking and begging even to the point of grovelling for a temporary stay in the apartment – B said ‘no’ on the principle of not mixing friendship and business – ‘naturally’ there would have to be a contract and rents drawn up etc. instead she’s been helping M contact agents.

You may totally agree with B which is cool, but … spare a thought for Matema, who grudgingly loaned her sister some money for a visa application and has been hounding her for it from the moment the application was sent. Matema earns well over £59k a year yet she makes a note ( I don’t think it’s a mental one because she’s always very accurate) on how much her unemployed sister owes her, from the odd tenner to top up her oyster to the few pennies spent towards a co-signed birthday card to their mother. What is up with that?

giving = sowing a seed

I once heard that rich people seem stingy because they’ve worked hard to earn their money and they are very cautious of not frittering it away, especially on things with no investment value charitable giving.

No doubt a lot of wealthy people make sizeable donations to charity but to an extent there’s something in it for them, recognition like buildings named in their honour or access to other rich people or to a service ( enough rich people donate to certain establishments so their kids can be admitted into schools, clubs etc) there’s something in it. But try to stop them on the road and ask for a buck – you don’t even get acknowledged.

I hope I’m wrong about this, no doubt there are many reasons why people don’t give to vagrants on the street – but hardly ever do you see folks strutting out of Selfridges or Harrods hand out a fiver – or is it that rich people don’t ever have spare change – fine, how about at least acknowledging the fellow human being and stop acting like there’s a stench up your nose.

Can you tell I really get irritated by the greed and arrogance that comes with wealth ( forgive the generalisation) . I don’t get why it requires so much thought, planning and grovelling? *Sigh* I don’t even know why this bothers me to be honest. I don’t think i’ve thought this through…

But i wonder, if you’ve ever won the lottery would you be more of a giver, a spender or a hoarder ( ok, saver? )

Justifying broken homes

The Daily Telegraph has learnt that plans to enshrine in law that a child has a “meaningful relationship with both parents” are likely to be dropped. The recommendation is understood to have been left out of a report on family justice by the former pensions regulator and civil servant, David Norgrove.

It said: “If parents share care fully before separation they are more likely to do successfully after separation. But where the converse applies, legislation cannot change that fact. “

It is such heart breaking news that law makers have chosen to take the easy way out when they had an opportunity to make legislation that would ameliorate the emotional and psychological impact of a divorce.

The chauvinistic, approach which assumes only the mother is needed to raise a child is very damaging to society as a whole and more importantly to the children involved.

 I’m mother, a wife an Aunty, a sister and a daughter and my without the support I get from my father and husband, i’m not sure where I’d be today.

The timing of Dr Norgrove’s report is so off as well. At a time when voluntary and statutory organisations are doing more to make sure young men have positive role models, the law is making sure Fathers  will be totally cut out of a child’s life, the fact that they have difficulty deciding on how much time each parent should spend with each child is besides the point.

Divorce is rampant but it does not mean it is right. No one in their right mind gets married with the intention to get divorced – especially when children are involved. So why is more being done to tolerate and manage divorce?

horrid thought: if parents fail, the state will take over

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The statistics are horrendous - 300,000 children to 200,000 single fathers, and now legislation allows the fathers to be excluded from the child’s life? I don’t think I need to say more about the importance of family life for the society – I assume everyone knows this. The more fragmented families are the more Broken Britain will be ( right on Cameron) I know some single parents do an amazing job raising their children, but it’s not the ideal choice is it. It’s also not the best for a child when they can be with both parents (here’s the clause) who can provide a loving and safe environment for the child.

The fact that parents can’t work a marriage does not necessarily mean they can not be successful as parents, or at least encouraged to do so. I haven’t got a legal degree or any experience, but it doesn’t take a genius to know the judge can order parents to spend more time with their child(ren) or at least take parenting classes  £5million is being invested to teach parents how to parent – say what you want about the nanny state, but surely it has its benefits if it means more children will not be neglected emotionally and physically and if it offers the slightest hope that families will get the support they need to thrive.

What I fear the most is that broken home lead to broken young lives. Are my fears unfounded? What do you think about the absence of legal support for fathers to see their children after a divorce? Are your parents divorced or separated? What was it like growing up? Do you ever worry what impact a divorce could have on your children?

The shame of faith and the gay debate

 The shame of faith

 Brits should be proudly Christian, according to Baroness Warsi, the only Muslim member of the cabinet and chairman on the Conservative Party . Writing in the Daily Telegraph, she says: “We need to create a country where people don’t feel like they have to leave religion at the door. That means being proud of Christianity, not downgrading it. It means encouraging people to say that their faith inspires what they do. “It means supporting religious charities in delivering public services in schools, hospices and rehabilitation.”

This made me wonder, are people really that ashamed of their faith? Generally speaking, people are not afraid or embarrassed to mention the name of God, the Bible or Christianity – rather what I sense is a reluctance, to live what they represent.

I remember explaining to a colleague that my pregnancy was a very spiritual time because I felt led to pray a lot for my baby, I’m probably being really sensitive, but I noticed that the conversation ended abruptly, almost like there was a fear I would launch into a long testimony of how I love God and ask her to join my cult of believers.

But then I feel people are more prone to speak about spirituality and being good, and there’s a love for the freedom to believe or not to believe – which I guess is fair enough. There’s no akwardness when we discuss TaiChi, Yoga and Quakerism (if there is such a thing)

But I can’t help feeling like Baroness Warsi doesn’t really get that Britain isn’t a Christian nation anymore. I have no stats to back this, but I get the sense we’re living in a secular nation where people don’t want to take the risk of having faith. As a Christian myself, I like where Baroness Warsi is coming from and it’s nice to hear someone with some political clout say so, but words are cheap I guess perhaps if the government passed legislature that did not threaten faith, then it would be more credible.

The gay debate

 Just the other day, I read that Churches would be forced to marry gay couples, that’s almost like asking Mosques to provide beer and bacon baps – the two don’t go. Do some Muslims eat pork? sure, are some people who believe in Christ homosexual? – of course…

Anyway… I know some people on the web get all defensive when it comes to homosexuality – please relax, don’t bite my head off, I’m just saying it as it is, the fact that you know something is wrong and widely practiced doesn’t mean you should condone it. Not condoning it, doesn’t equate to hatred does it? I believe you can love someone regardless of whom or what they are – that’s Christ’s heart.

 Having said that, I do feel that, if I were gay, I would love to be welcomed in a church and allowed to get married there. I would love and appreciate the access to fellowship with other people who believe in Christ like I do. Whatever it is that makes me feel and live the way I do, I would never want to feel like the door to Christ was firmly shut in my face – after all He is the door itself. So I wonder, is it so wrong that gay people are invited to get married in church? Is it spiritually naïve of me to say just love them anyway and welcome them through the door.

I keep asking myself, what Jesus would do… I’m struggling to accept that Jesus would turn them away… we all know he enjoyed hanging out with drunks, prostitutes and fraudsters. Sometimes I think Christians today live by standards, even Jesus would have struggled to live with – the dude was purely all about loving people the way the needed to be loved. But hey, I’m still learning about him, so I’m open to people thoughts…

Interfering in-laws

This is the second in the Anon Series. Thanks for your comments to the previous post – when secrets get in the way of love.

This is TJ’s story;

My mother in law is one of the society women in Abuja, open any one of the tabloids papers and you’ll see her face there. She’s always dressed to impress, mis matching her fendis with her guccis, worse still pairing the from head to toe – I hate to say it, but she’s got the chav look on lock.

Please don’t think me disrespectful of my Mil! I actually love her to bits, we have a love hate relationship – i love her but she hates me.

The moment her daughter announced our engagement her facade of niceness changed and she was as sour as a lime. I have to say at this point, what really riled her was the fact that at the time I proposed to her daughter, I was between jobs and my previous job was a plumber. When I was employed I wasn’t doing too badly, the money was good and I was connected to a network of other builders so there was a steady flow of work, but then I was nowhere near my mother in law’s standards for her daughter.

I have to say what also made matters worse was that even though my MIL was coming to terms with her daughters sexual orientation, she wasn’t prepared for the double blow of having me – her daughters best friend since high school become her daughter -in-law. She wanted a son.

Needless to say our wedding was hushed and a lot of her ‘associates’ have no clue we are married. Believe it or not, she made us sign a confidentiality contract calling for us to keep our marriage hushed. As an only child, LT – my wife, is very prone to emotional blackmail, her mother caused all sorts of drama, resorted to threats of making life hell for us of we were to abscond. I chose to go along with the charade because it seemed to be the only way I would be married to the woman I love. LT was not openly gay at the time, so it was a concession on many fronts.

I have to say, It helps that we live thousands of miles away from my MIL’s reality – being away from the pressure of her reputation, her life, her expectations allows us to pretend to be normal people.

Being married to LT is a joy – most of the time that is. I catch glimpses of her mother in her personality, something I find very scary, moments when she is with her colleagues, schmoozing and ruling. I have to say she’s an amazing wife and friend, but she’s an absolute witch as a boss and colleague, I worry when I think about how split her personality is.

LT had always been satisfied with my background- humble, with middle class parents, my father died a couple of years ago, thankfully before I came out of the closet and my mother – well… Let’s just say she’s dealing with it the best way she can. I send funds home when I can, but I only give from what I have, making a conscious effort not to ask LT for anything. In fact what I get from LT is what she gives from her own accord, when I don’t have. I keep schtum… The fear of being labelled a gold digger has always hunted me, since my MIL spat the accusation in my face.

Being a plumber was a profession I fell into. A couple of years after uni I was a certified accountant with a job in an investment bank. Unfortunately I was a casualty of the banking crisis and I lost the kushti job, bonuses and fat pay check… So I decided to settle for humbler things and trained to be a plumber – you’d be surprised how well a female plumber does.

My high flying wife however is one of those reaping the professional and financial benefits of the industry. While I was facing redundancy she was promoted. When i had to sell my house, she was getting a bigger one – albeit for us. But for her the blessing came with the curse of late nights, early mornings, long trips and unbearably chauvinistic colleagues. But guess who she always called on for advice and support – good old MIL. I’m still learning not to hold a grudge, but there’s a strong bond between those two. Since LT’s dad was arrested and murdered in prison 15 years ago, the mother – daughter relationship was sealed by a bond I don’t think my love for her can break.

A few years ago LT and I decided we would like to have children. We relished the thought that we could both have a go at being pregnant and share the responsibility. We never agreed on who would go first. Now I feel is a good time to do it. We’re both in our late twenties, healthy and with no known problems with conception. But for some reason LT has gone cold on the idea.

Recently i discovered my dear MIL is not keen on the idea of being a grandmother to our child. She’s gone with her usual tactics of emotional blackmail and manipulation threatening to disown LT and disinherit her. the thing is, I know LT is doing well financially and when I get back in the trade, I could manage to bring the child up on my own if that was the worst case scenario, but I can’t bring myself to discuss this with my wife. And I can’t say anything negative about her mother, that is a,ways misconstrued and leads to a fight.

I feel trapped. I love TJ, but… It’s bad enough we are living a lie, but to say goodbye to the hopes of being a parent are even more scary. But then, just when I thought I could kiss parenthood good bye, my MIL comes with a proposal, that the only way she would give consent is if I am impregnated by a man of her choice and sign a contract to certain conditions; the child must never refer to LT as mother, but rather aunty, LT will not be a legal guardian neither will she adopt the child.

On the one hand I get what I want, but not the way I want it, I’m so confused. If you were in my shoes what would you do?

Enemies of progress

This year I’ve met some really amazing people. Some of them have become good friends; others have the potential to be. This has got me to realise that I’ve changed a lot. My eyes are now open to how much of a responsibility it is to befriend someone.

I find that unlike before – now, I am more conscious about loving people – loving my friends requires effort. And I’ve discovered that doing this is so liberating.

Back in the day, friendships were so fickle. Even though my ‘friends’ and I would talk and support each other etc, I know there was an underlying competitiveness. There was a thing where I always wanted to be better than them at something – not all things, but something.

Girly chats were secret evaluations of who’s got the better boyfriend, who’s better paid or closer to a promotion, who’s doing good and exciting things with their lives. To an extent I think there was some competition on who’s more deep than the other, smarter, even more spiritual *shame faced* and I don’t think this was one sided. You just know when you’re having a conversation with someone and they’re always trying to have one up on you…

In my defence, it wasn’t so much that I didn’t want them to progress in life; it was more that, I didn’t want to be left behind.

Imagine your bosom  buddy since nursery school is earning six figures, married (as happy as life would allow with the usual ups and downs average couples have) got two kids, and is doing well in church, successfully organising outreach events etc.. Meanwhile you haven’t even started your first professional job since leaving uni. You’re not single but you’re not married either, church commitments are like a chore – you only keep at them because your social life revolves around the people and the place – you’re embarrassed because you throw yourself into those meetings and planning committees because you’re unemployed and you’ve got free time, but secretly you’re hoping God will Favour you with a job as a reward…

Surely it must be difficult to still be happy for your friend when she gives you random gist of how her boss was really pleased with her work, or when she shows off an article of herself in Stylist magazine where there’s a feature article of her as a business guru – a model for other women to follow.  

It’s so easy to secretly resent you mate, it’s harder to make yourself love her and truly be happy for her. Teaching your heart to rejoice for her success is just as hard as it sounds. The fact is that even though her success shines the spot light on your shortcomings, you can’t afford to focus on that because with that comes thoughts of envy, and before you know it, you’re grudging her for being successful – in other words you are an enemy of her progress.

The truth is, sulking over someone else’s progress does more to hinder you from progress. When I was younger people used to advise me to surround myself with people who are better than me, so I’m always spurred to succeed. I took that advice on board and surrounded myself with people who are successful at the things I find important in life. They’re not the wealthiest people, in fact some of them don’t even have jobs, but there are certain qualities I see in their lives that push me to remain in pursuit of purpose.

Have you ever struggled to be happy for someone else? Pls tell me why…

Men who get their wives

There’s been a lot of time spent on trying to find out what women want. I think the general consensus is that women want a bunch of stuff but above all they want to know that the men they are with know what they want – whether they can provide it or not is another thing.

Bottom line – its complicated. I’m a woman and I have to admit there are times when I don’t know what I want and I need to have lengthy conversations with my husband to help me along the thought process of deciding what it is. In essence having a man who knows me well enough to help me discover myself is priceless – and i’m sure I’ll always want him in my life.

In my previous post, I was baffled by the concept of people cashing in on broken homes. Since that post went up I’ve heard from people on and off-line of amazing husbands who go the extra mile in their marriages. Men who truly get their wives and stop at nothing to keep them happy.

A very good friend of mine – Oju  is super organised, and very thoughtful. Oju will do anything in her power to make you happy. She could travel from Timbuktu just to be with you and she’ll arrive with bells and whistles on bearing gifts and treats to perk you up when you’re low. Oju is married to a man who’s rather laid back and super chilled, not a fan for fanfare and public displays of affection. In their seven years of marriage, Oju has surprised him with perfect birthday presents, romantic get aways on anniversaries and special family moments to celebrate those key moments. However on her birthday all she’s got is a forehead kiss, a card and dinner with mates.
This year Oju’s husband -Ile is determined to give Oju the birthday she’s always longed for – a surprise bash! He’s flying in family members and friends from Africa, the States and Australia to share a special dinner party with her ( obviously the out-of-towners will be there longer than a night) He’s spared no expenses with her gift – a cruise to the Caribbean, something she’s always wanted to do.

Just the other day, a new friend of mine – a mother of two – who’s just started studying to be a nurse, was telling me how amazing her husband is. He’s a total neat freak and always does the cleaning at home, he also supports her with looking after the kids, bath time, nappy duty and school runs are not an issue for him. Amazingly her husband cooks healthy meals as well – so she’s always bewildered when other women moan about needing a maid, she reckons between herself and her husband they can manage. She was saying to me that her husband truly gets her, he’s perceptive of her feelings and tends to go out of his way to make sure she isn’t frustrated or frazzled and because of that she’s always inclined to do whatever he needs her to. Just goes to show its the simple things, no need to break the bank, just be thoughtful.

The pursuit of what women want is a waste of time, as I was telling a friend of mine who was worried about being single – you only need one man to get you, you don’t need every man, or a bunch of men to get you. Don’t dumb yourself down and strip yourself of everything that makes you special and unique to fit a mould that would make you generall acceptable to a bunch of people but insignificant to the one person you need to be with.  Likewise in marriage, it goes a long way to truly get ones spouse and do what it takes to love them they way they need to be loved, not loving them in a generic way that’s void of mean and emotion.

I reckon, men who get their wives;

• will treat their wives with respect
• know their wives quite well: it’s shocking how many women are convinced their husbands don’t know them at all. Simple things like, favourite colours, best movie, favourit flowers etc… are like mysteries to some men, worse still, the longer a couple have been together, it seems the less a man knows about his wife. A colleague’s husband found himself in a pickle when he didn’t remember what his wife had recieved surgery for a year ago! *embarrasing*
• are very selfless: sometimes i think a man who truly gets his wife is prepared to do go out of his comfort zone to please her. Some guys really hate feet, but because they know their woman enjoys a foot rub, they’ll get some grease and massage those corns.
• listen: you’re not going to know someone you don’t talk to, and even better than that, you seriously need to listen. I’ve heard a few men moan about how talkative women are (blah, blah, blah) well if you just take it as a given that women are human beings and they use words (among other things) to communicate, it’s in your best interest to sit down, keep quite and actually listen to what she’s saying – you may be pleasantly surprised by what you discover. I have no sympathy for men who loose out on a good relationship with their women mainly because they just won’t listen.
• are patient; a little patience, goes a very long way. Don’t get mad when she takes an age at the shopping mall, she just wants to be sure that dress fits well and its in the right shade of blue she needs it to be to go with the pair of shoes she’s got at home. she’s just being precise

Very early on in life, I came to a conclusion that perfection is an ideal, and until it is achieved, i can only settle for what works well for me – that is my perfection. So there’s no perfect marriage, but there’s a man that’s perfect for me.

Have you ever been with someone who totally gets you?

Gaddafi is dead

I don’t believe one man’s life is more important than another man’s.

But we must stop to think and wonder what is wrong with us when we celebrate the loss of human life.

Muammar Gaddaffi is dead, so also are hundreds of his people, young men, fathers, mothers and children, have also suffered and died under his rule.

No one really fought for them. The rest of the world only took interest when it became apparent what was at stake for them and what they had to loose.

Even the media was slowly loosing internet, newscasters only questions probing for Gadafi’s where about a curious to know where he’d been caught, whether he was alive or dead.

Now they know he is dead, 24/7 news will herald images of a man at his lowest point, the people he led will remain a pawn to be used by others.

One can only hope and pray some good will come of this evil.

A fine line between fidelity and cheating

is ignorance bliss when it comes to cheating. Would you want to know what your man/woman is up to?

I saw the most ridiculous thing the other day… an advert for extramarital affairs. It read;

Looking for some fun and excitement? Well look no more. Discreet and confidential affairs arranged…

I was shocked beyond reasoning. Why would anyone willingly go looking to have an affair? I understand (not agree with) when it just happens, lack of self-control, strong temptations etc, but when someone decides to go looking for an affair it beggars belief – worst of all when they pay for it.

I was really miffed when I saw the story, like there aren’t enough temptations out there for married couples. Men are bombarded with boobs and bums on billboards, women are hit on by men at supermarkets, on buses and on the street. The fact that someone has made a business of ruining marriages is insane. I wonder what their business plan is like;

Target: Provide male and female home wreckers

Profit margin: 50 broken marriages per region = £50,000

Annual turnover: £1million

I just find the whole thing bizarre. Infidelity is way too easy these days. It seems to me people are loosing their scruples more and more every day. What ever happened to our moral compass as a society – looks like it’s all heading down hill from here.

I think more needs to be done to protect the family unit, and this isn’t a campaign for more people to get married or anything like that, rather more needs to be done to preserve the bonds that bind us together as a society.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend was telling me of how five of her six friends who got married last year are facing marital problems and three are on their way to divorce. Another friend of mine who got married four years ago is in divorce proceedings with her partner who by the sounds of things has been having an affair for the most part of their marriage. It’s all a bit heart breaking don’t you think?

All this makes me think I’ve taken my husband’s fidelity and loyalty for granted and it’s something I need to appreciate more – not entirely sure how to do that – but I’m determined to be grateful for every year I remain married.

It’s almost like when you get to that place when things are all too familiar in a relationship there’s a high risk of things going stale and other things and people could seem more interesting. It’s as though that’s when it’s most easy to have an affair.

not all home wreckers come will a signpost on their forehead or with bells and whistles on announcing their arrival... but you can always tell

I can’t say that I’ve ever been tempted to cheat on my husband and I pray to God that should that ever be an issue that I remain strong to withstand such foolishness, that said I appreciate it’s a tough call.

Someone once told me that men struggle more than women to be faithful, I find that such a load of nonsense. Fair enough men are moved by what they see and all that jazz, but at the end of the day, they have a choice to act on what they see or not. Honestly, I don’t think it’s any easier for a woman or a man, I think both sexes are faced with the incredible challenge of staying faithful. I find that there’s an element of being greedy and selfish that makes people cheat on their partner. I reckon those who do, think they can get away with it and thrive on the dangers of being caught. I find it one of the most demeaning things – it’s almost like someone cheating on you is saying they don’t care enough about how you feel. Am I right?

It seems to me fidelity is the one reason even Christ himself will condone divorce (Matthew 5:31), but then I know in some Christian circles even on those grounds they wouldn’t advocate divorce. I wish I understood the context Jesus was speaking in because it seems to contradict his love at all cost philosophy.

After all He says we should love our enemies, he also encourages us to treat others as we would want to be treated ourselves. I’ve painted cheating in a very cut and dry way but I know it’s more complicated than that, there are times of extreme weakness when you fail to restrain yourself and you do the dirty, at that point forgiveness is what you need, it’s what you’d long for – surely Christ would rather we forgave one another than have broken home, based on the outcome of momentary insanity.

If I were to look at my relationship with Christ as a marriage, He knows I’ve been a philanderer time after time, and he’s taken me back each time – fair enough I’ve had to face the consequence of my philandering, but there’s always been the hope of reconciliation. But then with marriage…

What do you think, where would you draw the line when it comes to breaking a marriage? Would you condone cheating and take an unfaithful partner back, or would you be prepared to work at it.