My life before Christ was a mess.
I lied, cheated, stole and had a series of relationships that led nowhere.
I was completely unaware of who I was, but carried on with life, based on the expectations of others.
Even though i had given my life to Christ in my early teens, i wasnt rooted in His word, and I didn’t like to pray.
Through my teenage years, especially during uni, I was completely lost. Drowning my emptiness and insecurities in alcohol and eventually getting further away from any chance of being in sound mind by living in a daze induced by marijuana.
My life was one bad decision after the other, particularly when it came to boyfriends. My irresponsibility nearly cost me my life. Even more so after terminating a pregnancy, I was depressed and made many attempts to take my life.
For many years I lived in guilt, confident that there was no point to my existence. There was a lot of pent up rage and anger in me. I despised people who seemed happy and I envied them their freedom.
It was like every bad thing I had done made me feel worthless, and that feeling made me angry and bitter. Emotionally I felt comfortable with the bitterness in me because it justified my guilt and was my excuse for being the way I was.
Even though I knew about God, I wasn’t prepared to let go of the bitterness and anger. I hated myself, I wasn’t prepared to truly embrace His love for me and I really had no love to give anyone.
Several failed suicide attempts later and what can only be God’s grace, and the diligence of my praying mother, somehow God pulled me out of the cesspit that was my life.
He surrounded me with people who truly loved and serve him. Their passion for Him was irregular and the brand of Christianity they exhibited was different from what I had seen.
God’s love through these women enticed my heart out of the darkness I had found solace in. The power of His word, shattered all the lies that had been whispered in my heart – words of guilt, shame, worthlessness and condemnation.
Going back to church was inevitable, picking up my Bible became mandatory, I felt like I had to hold on to the truth in it. I literally posted bible verses on my bedroom wall, I wanted to see those truths all the time because I couldn’t afford to entertain anymore lies.
It was almost, believing one of those lies would push me off a cliff and I’d be free-falling down a bottom less pit. I couldn’t go back to feeling that way.
Reading the word birthed a desire to pray. I felt like the prayers has to activate the Word in me.
Did I change my ways immediately? No. But I can testify that, it was only by God’s grace I stopped smoking marijuana, I wasn’t binge drinking (more recently I completely stopped drinking )
One of the most amazing miracles of all, was how God totally proved the devil a liar, by blessing me with a husband who is perfect for me. A true treasure that God himself is preserving for me. Being married to him convinces me of God’s love, His grace, mercy and forgiveness – and for that I am eternally great full.
If that was all God blessed me with I’d sing praises forever, but he’s enriched my life with a son that’s a true joy, an answer to prayers and a living testimony of God’s infinite love and divine purpose.
Despite my past, God has blessed me in so many other ways, and most humbling of all, he considers me useful in his work, of spreading his word, and interceding on behalf of others.
I can help but say, Jesus truly is Lord and his power is here and real in my life.
**you’re welcome to share your story by taking part in the Testimony of Faith challenge. You can view mine at http://www.youtube.com/mzluffa