Justifying long term relationships

I don’t think anyone gets into a relationship thinking, I’ll date you for many years and then I’ll dump you when I’m bored or I’ve found someone better. But unfortunately that’s the main risk with long term relationships (obviously i’m not referring to marriage) – but that’s the main danger with investing several years in a relationship with someone in your formative years.

As far as my parents were concerned, none of their daughters were allowed to date until they completed their first degree – their mantra was, ‘books before boys’. My mother was adamant that there was no point dating in my teenage years because it wasn’t advisable to be with a man that young and be in a relationship too long.

I ignored her and dated anyway – but in hindsight, I think it was quite good advice, aminly because even though i don’t regret the failed relationships, I would have been better off without them I imagine. Girl talk has revealed some gruesome tales of long term relationships breaking down. I’ve heard of quite a few women in relationships with the same man since their mid-teens still holding the torch in hope they would get married to the same man. One of those women broke up with her boyfriend of 15 years because she realised they had grown apart and had different values. On the other hand, another young woman got married to her boyfriend of 11 years, and three years later got divorced. It’s a no brainer to me that it’s better to suffer heart break and a have an ex-boyfriend, than to endure the shame and pain of a divorce and have an ex-husband and children estranged from their father.

don't do it mainly for the dress...

I remember having a heart to heart conversation with a friend of mine who had serious doubts about getting married to her boyfriend of 15 years. In her heart, she knew it was better to call off their engagement and move on, but she kept worrying about what people will think, the amount of money spent on wedding and above all the fear of being alone. Now, in the few years they’ve been married, both  have realised that they were better suited as friends. She talks about a dull and boring marriage, incompatibility and curiosity – curiosity of what could have been if she was married to someone else. ‘It’s like being married to my brother,’ we’re ok, but I can’t help being interested in other men,’ she said to me once. She wished she played the field a bit more and went out with a few other men before settling down. I can’t say i agree that’s the solution to her problem, but hey – that’s where she’s at.

I prescribe to the school of thought that says, ‘don’t date someone you know you’d never marry.’  There’s just no point in it. That said, the danger with being stuck in a relationship too young and for too long is that each party does not get the chance to grow as an individual before becoming a couple. As the years go by, there’s an unspoken expectation of marriage, and a danger of getting comfortable with something that’s not right.

IAn article i read in the Daily Mail on Monday made me think a bit more about women who marry their first loves. Even though the article focused a bit more on the fate of these women when their marriages break down and they become social misfits, I couldn’t help but think, finding love and staying in love are two separate things.

As with most things in life, one size doesn’t fit all, and I can’t say long term relationships are bad. If anything, it’s made me come to the conclusion that marriage is not a decision you make with other people on your mind, you have to consider yourself first, decide on the best things you have to offer your partner, ask yourself  how can you make the other person better, and be sure beyond reasonable doubt that have you chosen the right person?  

Once you’ve done those things,  and you catch yourself trying to justify a long term relationship remember;

• It’s wrong to marry someone because you want to justify previous years of being together – if anything, you should be able to decide not to marry a man because you’ve spent years with them and seen them warts and all and would rather hold out for something better.

 

• Not to hold on to a man for fear of what people will say. When you eventually marry the right person, he’ll only be referred to as your ex boyfriend – and you’ll be settled with your husband for the rest of your life. A life-long commitment should always trump a terminated relationship. Always!

 

• If the boyfriend is promoted to fiancé, and the penny drops that he’s not for you, it’s cool. Better to disappoint guests and cancel a reception hall, than to add zeroes to the pay check of a divorce lawyer. Besides, if he really isn’t for you and the worst does happen you’d have wasted money on a wedding and a divorce. So don’t be penny wise and pound foolish!

 If you really want to make an informed decision about settling down with the right man, may I suggest something priceless that would make you eternally grateful – attend pre-marital counselling classes, preferably ones organised at a Bible believing church. It’s brilliant for people who are not Christian as well, on the basis that it helps your consider things that you may not have and gets you and your partner answering critical questions that help you both be sure you are on the right track. Besides agreeing to marry my husband, it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

I’ll leave you with a couple of stories;

A couple who had been dating for years were encouraged to stop shacking up and get married. They’d been dating for so long, their families knew each other so well and the decision to get married was easy and supported by all. Wedding plans were sorted, guests were invited from far and wide, and it was the event of the year for the family.

Come the day before the wedding, at the rehearsal, the vicar asks the couple  where they plan to live live and what church they will attend. Right before the vicar, all hell broke loose as the couple launched into a full on argument peppered with name calling, snide remarks and rude comments.

By the end of the rehearsal, the vicar announced to the couple  he will not be officiating their marriage and will advice his colleagues at the church to do the same on the basis that it was in the best interest of the couple they do not get married. Needless to say, that wedding did not take place – the couple split up shortly afterwards.

 

Story 2

After announcing their engagement, Salt and Pepper were advised by a mutual friend to attend pre-marital counselling sessions run at the local church. The couple obliged convinced it was just a formality as they were so sure they were made for one another. In their nine years of dating, they had been celibate, they were both  Christian, their families got on well and they never really had any major issues – they had led happy lives and getting married was the next natural step.

By the end of the 13 week sessions, the couple discovered things about themselves they never knew. They had deeper conversations and it felt like they were getting to know each other all over again.

Unfortunately  Pepper didn’t like what she discovered and a month before the wedding decided to call things off.

Salt and Pepper remain good friends, but since Pepper met Balsamic Vinegar, she’s been eternally grateful for the premarital counselling which kept her from making a lifetime mistake.

 i’m quite aware i’ve got a jaded view about long term relationships, at the risk of sounding like a busy body -  please share your stories with me…