Call me a busy body – but I’ve often wondered how many of my Christian ‘single’ friends are really and truly celibate.
must the world know you
A couple of years ago, I attended my first (and last) singles event at church. It was planned as a social evening, the foyer of the church was arranged in the form of a jazz café, there was live music, food and drinks (non-alcoholic of course).
As part of the evening, there was a sort of Q&A with the head pastor of the church which was really good, it was done in the style of a TV talk show and generally speaking the night was great until about half an hour into the questions. I got bored and impatient. There’s only so many questions of sex and kissing you can take from people over 19.
The silliest question I heard was, ‘is it wrong to kiss my boyfriend?’ In hindsight, I appreciate the question, but at the time, I was slightly irritated because the question was coming from a young woman in her late 20s who is a worship leader – I was thinking, erm, what sort of response are you expecting the pastor to give you? You can’t expect him to say, ‘Yes! Go ahead, be kissing and frolicking with your boyfriend, trust yourself to stop at just kissing, in fact, be bold, go under covers and feel free to take your clothes off and see where it takes you…’ Of course he said the opposite – kissing may not be a sin itself, but it doesn’t quite help with the whole no-sex before marriage plan.
But then that’s the thing. Celibacy is assumed among young Christians, but somehow I guess it’s one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves within the Christian community.
I’ve heard of pastors who know that young people in their congregation who are dating are sleeping together and they keep quiet about it. It just seems like too big a problem to tackle. Some Pastors would rather gloss over the subject and bury their heads in the sand.
The second big lie is that boys burn with sexual desire more than girls! LIE! So long as they are human and they have blood running through their veins, every single person is susceptible to the temptation of sexual immorality – but for some reason, ‘Christian girls’ know how to mask it very well and play holy better than boys.
To be fair, some single people don’t understand the consequences of pre-marital sex, beyond the scare tactics boarding school matrons use of being knocked up and getting AIDS, few Christians are aware of the spiritual implications of fornication (I hate that word so much, but it is what it is) In fact I’m not even going to claim I know what it is, but even though there is no such thing as a big sin, the fact of the matter is that there are repercussions for every sin – God’s grace and forgiveness aside.
honorary members of celibacy club...
I’m no saint when it comes to the issue of celibacy at all!! Let’s be clear about that. But I know how hard it is for both men and women to fight off the temptation of keeping the kickers on and the relationship alive.
In remember once when I was trying to be celibate, my boyfriend at the time did not get the whole Christian thing and wanting to be ‘good’, to be fair I think I really confused the guy, I was getting up to all sorts of foolishness and living a life that was far from Christ like but when it came to getting down, I clammed up. I remember a massive falling out we had when I told him I wasn’t doing it because of my relationship with Christ, dude was like, ‘It’s me or your God’. Needless to say that relationship died a very early death… I didn’t mourn it, in fact i was relieved. Nothing more off-putting than having to fight a guy off every minute of the day. I guess I was the foolish one for getting into a relationship when I didn’t get myself not to mention partnering with a guy that definitely didn’t get God.
So, what’s the deal with celibacy? We’ve heard a lot about purity rings and celibacy clubs in US high schools, but if Glee is anything to go by, clearly that means diddly squat…
So… I’m interested to know what you think about celibacy, is it asking too much, can anyone educate me on what the spiritual implications of pre-marital sex are and how do you get a young person to want to be celibate. For those who gave it up before marriage, did you ever feel guilty about it??? I know I’m a busy body but please indulge me.
Note: this post was inspired by Single Nigerian Man : Dude you got me thinking.
I knew it! LOL!!!!
As soon as i saw the title to your post, i knew you’d been on Single Nigerian Man’s blog.
Ok, here’s what i think:
“….few Christians are aware of the spiritual implications of fornication”
I completely agree with that statement, and like you i also hate the word but for a lack of better alternatives, eh, i guess it’ll have to do.
Many people don’t get it that having sex God’s way protects us in many ways, not just from diseases and what not’s, but there is a spiritual connection you have with someone when you are intimate with them. Myle’s Munroe explained perfectly in “Understanding the Purpose and Power of Man” , exactly what happens when a couple has sex for the first time, the shedding of blood from the woman is a kind of blood covenant (sorry to get so graphic, but all your readers are adults-i hope : )
It’s really much deeper than most people understand.
I just wish there was more honesty and less pretentiousness on the subject in Christiandom.
A lovely thought provoking post as usual.
Mail came in when I was half asleep, opened one eye, looked at it and mentally groaned.. Lol. Read it first thing this morning. Please, please, what did I do?
Now when you say truly celibate how do you mean? Because to me seeing this post now (it got me thinking), made me realise that there are two forms of celibacy. The ones the pharisees will have you believe and the one God sees. With the former it involves physical contact and that is the one most people subscribe to. With the latter, if in you have been sexless for 5 years, yet you have slept with all your female friends, all the movie stars and quite a number of porn stars in your mind, then you are not. I subscribe to the latter.
I don’t drink, smoke or sleep around, and I used to hide behind that for a while till I realised the dangers in self righteousness. I still don’t do any of them but I don’t wear it as a badge anymore. However, I am NOT celibate.
Uhmm cough cough*, I don’t know how to put this but I remember the first time someone told me that being celibate is not all about getting pregnant or STD’s and its not really about following what the bible says but there is a spiritual aspect to it, that when a man and a woman have sex with each other since the woman is the one on the receiving side, she’s accepting all the baggage and problems that the man is carrying around…and sometimes when some women go around looking for husbands and they can’t find one, its because they’re still spiritually married to all the men that they have been with ….I think I’m trying to say the same thing that MimiB said
In my opinion,I think its more easier not to have sex in the first place than to now try to be celibate after tasting the forbidden fruit…
One question though, what is your opinion about virgins having oral sex but are still virgins physically?
Like I alwayz, tell pple nytym we argue it, let’s pray for God’s guidance n grace 2resist temptatn of fornication, it is the one and only sin that is committed inside our bodies, that is suppose 2b his temple. I wouldn’t say kissing n heavy petting are sins (who A̶̲̥̅♏ I 2judge) but we are admonished as christians †̥ control our desires and bring them under d leadership of the holy spirit. Celibacy b it 4a life tym or a season of singleness, can lead †̥ a deeper faith and close relationship with God. Grace we need †̥ resist temptation and †̥ lead a life that is pleasing †̥ God (Heb 4: 14-16)
@MimiB; The blood convenant thing is deep. I love Myles Munroe – listening to his teachings leaves me feeling very radical. I do beleive there is a huge spiritual conotation to having sex and the lure and temptation to pop one’s cherry before its time makes me even more suspicious of the implications which we may never really grasp.
@SNM; Dude, i’ve got much love for you. Let’s just say you were my muse and if anything, I admire your openess about it. I read your blog, so I know what’s up. Trust me you don’t need to explain yourself at all – however interesting points raise. You’re so right, people have their own definitions of celibacy, i’ve even heard some young people saying it’s not really sex if you use a condom *eye rolling* Again, you’re spot on, in God’s eye, a lot of us have lustful hearts, but dare I say that’s a sin of the mind and not the flesh, am i wrong in saying even though its a sin, it doesn’t mean you’re no longer celibate… i feel like this is a point David can elucidate on *Owl call* for David…
Can i just say, it’s impressive that you don’t drink, smoke or sleep around – Jane Doe and your kid(s) will thank you for it
@Iwalewa: What you’ve described there sounds like soul ties. It’s an interesting concept which I’m sure can be backed up by certain scripture. I’d like to beleive soul ties is not sexist, both men and women share the load and the baggage. The woman is not the only one at the recieving end – the way God planned it, the joys and pleasures of sex are to be shared by both parties, because he intended for it to involve two people. Not one and a half, three or more and i don’t think he had plans for technical support either.
In response to your question (and this may be a very biase response) i think it’s unfair for a guy to expect his ‘virgin’ partner to go down on him. For one thing it’s demeaning, selfish and disrespectful for her to do so. She may be virgin biologically, but i’d like to know how she feels after she’s done it. But thank God for grace and his love. I safe rule of thumb is, how does she think Christ feels looking over her shoulder while she’s on all fours…*just saying*
@Bibiana: I’ve heard many people say we have to control our desires and bring them under the leadership of the Holy Spirit, but what does that mean to you? I sounds like Christianese to me – you know, chinese but for Christians. Imagine you’re with your boyfriend who you fancy the pants off, and you guys are in a dark cinema surrounded by people, and he touches you and there’s so much passion and electricity there – at what point does the Holy Spirit comes and take control? I’d be particularly interested to know what you’d do when faced with a potentially sexy situation based on your knowledge of Christ.
For your response to Bibiana, I call that the “devils own backyard”.. Dark outside, raining too and romantic music playing on the down low, he and she alone in the room. You both left the Holy Spirit outside..
As for kissing or heavy petting I have a mantra…
If he used to hold your hands and you let him kiss you, he won’t want to go back to holding your hands…
If he used to kiss you and you let him touch and kiss your breasts, just kissing won’t work either..
You can continue the mantra for yourself, I will like to keep the comment clean.
MsLuffa, now you know the genesis of my tweets
Found out about the spiritual angle of sex 3 years ago and I was shellshocked..
Lets just say now I know why boyfriends and girlfriends start looking alike.
lol@ couples looking alike… very interesting. Funny mantra, but o so true.
Hahaha. Nice mantra. Like Ms Luffta said, we’ve got mucho love for you. Now about couples looking alike, there’s actually a scientific theory surrounding that…….
you guys are going to have to share this inside info …:)
Hmm very thoughtful comments..I think they explained it already, i mean the spiritual implications. I will like to add that most times the more sexually active you are prior to marriage, the bigger the scar on your heart and lesser the excitement you are suppose to enjoy during marriage. If you keep eating a fruit you will think its the best fruit until you try another and another. Eventually all fruit will taste the same to you, that it becomes hard to pick the perfect nourishing fruit that is unique to your taste bud. Ha well, thats how I see premarital sex.. You are never satisfied that even when your husband/wife comes on the scene you will still see him/her as the other boys/girls who want “some cookies”. If you are unrepentant, you will likely mess things up, thus, loosing him/her
I think celibacy shouldnt been worn as a tag but just between you and God..When as my guys, i just tell them, ask my future husband..see question oh
lol… interesting fruit analogy
Celibacy and marriage….
Omo that’s a loaded question – good answer, not that your future husband should care to tell. Having said that, one guy was bragging to me that his wife who he married in her late twenties was still a virgin – I was like… awwwwwkkkwwwaarddd…! but later on thought, good for them both.
Also reminds me of a couple a friend told me about who got married in the teens – i think the guy was 19 and the girl 17 or something, christian kids who were in love and wanted to get married, and they were celibate until their wedding night – cute. This was almost ten years ago. I’d like to beleive they are still happily married.
RThis is just so timely! Glad to know there are people out there also pondering on issues like this. And loving the comments too! Believe me, I’ve had to battle these demons too and make a conscious effort not to dwindle standards.
I was in a relationship with someone who says he’s vowed never to indudge in pre-marital sex but is engages in kissing, fondling, carresing and even oral sex o. As long as it doesn’t inclde penetration, then it ain’t sex, they say!
Lord have mercy!
But as SNM has rephrased Jesus’ opinion on adultery (would also like to believe that’s what he’d have to say on this sexual immorality/celibacy issue); both active( physically engaging in it) and passive (dwelling on the thoughts) is SIN.
May God help us flee ALL forms of sexual immorality
My friend who is a school nurse told me that a lot of ‘good Christian girls’ have been coming to see her in confidence – because in their bid to ‘keep their virginity’; they are having lacerations from anal sex.
Celibacy should not be forced on anyone. Biologically, the body has needs and desires. How we manage those ‘needs and desires’ is what makes us responsible adults.
With regards to pre-marital sex….I am a mother and all I will tell my kids is that sex is deeper than just the physical. Once you sleep with someone, you are inviting the person into your life forever…….mentally. I cannot live their lives for them but I can only inform them of the consequences of pre-marital sex.
If I had a daughter, I would tell her that her virginity is only precious to her and she should not expect the man who ‘takes her virginity’ to value it as much as she does.
There’s a big difference between celibacy and chastity. Few people are called to be truly celibate. We are all called to be chaste.
Catholic priests are called to be celibate, so are people with same sex attraction. Being celibate really means giving your gift of sexuality back to God.
God calls all people not to have sex with someone other than your spouse, and includes having sex in your mind. If you look at someone else and say, “Boy, I’d like to get it on with him/her!”, that’s not being chaste. If you do every sexual act except copulation with someone you’re not married to, you’re not being chaste.
It’s very hard to be either of those perfectly. The good news is that God will forgive you when you repent. That doesn’t mean you get off scott-free, it just means your actions are forgiven, even if you have to undergo punishment.
Both chastity and celibacy should be done because we love God and want to obey his commands, not because we should feel forced to do it.
@Author…: you know the more i think about it, the more sure I am that celibacy should only mean one thing and should not be open to interpretation. But for real, you are not alone, enough people are pondering over this thing and just making the rules as they go along.
@NIL: That’s trag… what’s the point of that, they might as well go about things the normal way. I wonder why they are holding on to their virginity but doing that… Interesting approach you’re taking with your kids, love the advice to a daughter, how would you encourage her to value her virginity though?
@David: DAVID!!! did you hear virtual my bird call? Been waiting for a reply from you…Oh wow! interesting point about those with same sex attraction – that must be difficult. If i’m foolish enough to beleive people are born gay, then one would assume they have no choice and bound to a life of celibacy – well i guess, they would be free to have heterosexual sex in marriage. Interesting stuff… very interesting.
On the point of punishment, is there like a sort of curse for homosexuality, or on a priest who breaks his vow of celibacy.
It’s not a fools belief that same-sex attraction is genetic. But it is also reinforced by society, in that movies and television are rife with it. God gave us all a cross to bear (If He gave one to his Son, who are we to suppose he didn’t give one to us??). We’re all fallen, but to what purpose? WE’RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP GETTING UP. It’s no good to say to the rest of humanity “This is me, take me as I am!” and shove it in people’s faces. We can humbly ASK “This is my fault, can you accept me the way I am?”
Advice to young people…how young do you start? As soon as possible, get a child to know that God made them for a purpose. That purpose is “To love and serve the Lord.” The first commandment is the most important. All the others point to this one. So how do we love and serve God? By living in obedience to him. Obeying his commands, because we know that we couldn’t even draw our next breath from him without his hand in it. One of those commands is to not commit adultery, another is to not covet other people’s things. Extra-marital sex is partly a conquest of someone else, or a part of them, so coveting what belongs to someone else is part of that. Another attitude I find helpful is to teach people in general to love God first, everyone else second, me last. Having God playing such a big role in people’s lives helps them learn to live without some things. Also, if we fall, we are to get up, and strive to be better, rather than to stay down.
Oral sex is sex, and sex is forbidden outside of marriage. We need to remember that sex has TWO purposes, procreative as well as unity with the other person. We can only be unified if we are committed and married. We can only be procreative if the product of intercourse goes in the proper place… Oral sex tends to be one person dominating the other, rather than melding with the other. Oral sex can be used in a committed married relationship, but Catholics believe that all sex must end in a ‘procreative way’, if you get my meaning…
spinning off from Nigerian Mum in London and David’s comments, i’d be very interested to know what advice you’d offer a young person to encourage them to be chaste…
Also any helpful advice or comments to Iwalewa’s questions about virgins and oral sex…?
Response to Iwalewa’s question: what is your opinion about virgins having oral sex but are still virgins physically?
I think we must remember that God is a God that is very much interested in the heart of men (and women). Your acts and deeds are a reflection and outflow of what is in your heart (out of the abundance of the heart)
So if you engage in oral sex and still claim to be a virgin, you are deceiving yourself not God (God is not mocked) because you have already exposed what is in your heart (fornication, lust, adultery, sexual immorality etc)
That’s why Jesus said that if any man looks at a woman to lust after her (key word being to lust after – admiring and lusting after are two completely different things that people often get mixed up) he has already committed adultery because the adultery has taken place in his heart and it is the heart that God examines and Judges.
“I the lord search the heart and examine the mind to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve” – Jeremiah 17:10 –
That’s why, if you study David carefully, he always prayed that God will deal with his heart, for example “Create in me a clean heart” – Psalm 51:10, “Search me, O God, and know my heart” – Psalm 139:23 (there are so many more references)
In fact God loved David so much because of his heart (He was a man after Gods own heart)
Now I can hear some of you saying “but David committed adultery” – Well my response is: that was a one time act, which he truly repented for and never did again – different from regularly practicing oral or anal sex or any other type of sex for that matter, outside of marriage as a way to gratify your sexual lusts without being plagued with the guilt of fornication as a weak attempt to try and “Outsmart” God and find loopholes in the law. Problem is you still end up with guilt anyway because deep down in your heart you know its wrong (well at least that if your heart hasn’t grown completely cold towards God)
So for those who sin against God in this area or in any other area for that matter and use “God knows my heart” as an excuse – Your heart is already exposed through the sin, and as Paul said “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?” – Romans 6:1-2
If we are all truly honest with ourselves, when it comes to the issue of sex before marriage and celibacy, deep down we all know what is acceptable and what isn’t, it is because most people still have lust in their hearts and that lust is seeking for a way to express itself that’s why they try to find loopholes to outsmart God.
As James said “Each man sins when he is drawn away by his own lust” – the real issue hear is the condition of your heart.
Hope I’ve helped – I know it was a long one but I wanted it to be thorough.
God bless you all
Love the post. I’m going to come at this perhaps from a bit of a different perspective:
I’m a 32-year-old dude that’s managed to save himself for marriage, but that aside, God has done much to teach me that purity, rather than physical celibacy, is of the greatest interest to Him. If I remain physically pure from intercourse, but indulge in a laundry list of lustful acts (cluttering my heart), I still receive the consequence of sin. Coupled with the natural effects that we Christians like to argue about pre-marital sex, the greater consequence is feeling separated from God, which can happen at any stage of the game.
Certainly this separation is of our own doing, since His blood has washed us of our misdeeds, but I’ve worked with enough young people to realize that the shame and guilt Christian teens face from the enemy can be the greatest catalyst for further damage. Girls in particular are prone to the mentality that their “broken” purity covenant has ruined them, and thus are no longer of worth to a Godly man. This can send some teens in a tailspin, where they will seek the affection of those in which they do feel worthy — usually, this road gets pretty grim.
I consider it grace that I escaped the same trap. Given the opportunity to have sex in high school, I probably would have seized it as a romantic. It was only in adulthood that I began to see the pain caused in the relationships around me, most of which was due to distrust and jealousy caused by sex.
This is all so avoidable. We view God as the misunderstanding judge, asking us to refrain from an act common to most men and women — churched or not. In reality, God is the perfect One to understand the conditions of sex as our Creator. He gives us commands not to ask the impossible, but to guard our hearts from the misuse of our bodies.
C.S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity (paraphrased from pp. 91-95), if you were to build a machine, and you noticed that people were using it improperly, you would feel compelled to correct the misuse and teach the operator how to use it properly to avoid dysfunction or breaking. How much greater would the God of the Universe desire us to “operate” our sexuality in a similar fashion? If God alone created us, and understands the perfect use of our sexuality, who are we to argue that the marriage bed is not the perfect place to offer our bodies?
I wish we would approach the sex topic with young people in the same way. Rather than employing a “because God said so” covenant, it would be in their best interest to know Him more personally, and comprehend the protective love that He lavishes over His children. I know that this was the only way I began to see my celibacy as a blessing and a way to know my Father better. Whether I get married or not (and the odds are getting slimmer by the year), I am pleased to seek purity with every last breath, whether in celibacy or God’s wonderfully beautiful intent for my sexuality.
Interesting discourse. Let’s just say I believe in chastity and if you can’t then temperance and faithfulness especially for people over 25 or so.
Advice, marry quickly, lol…
So… I’m interested to know what you think about celibacy, is it asking too much, can anyone educate me on what the spiritual implications of pre-marital sex are and how do you get a young person to want to be celibate. For those who gave it up before marriage, did you ever feel guilty about it??? I know I’m a busy body but please indulge me.
I don’t think it matters what I think about Celibacy. It does not matter whether I think it is asking too much…the only thing that matters is what God thinks.
It does not matter whether my baby thinks it is unfair that she cannot jump of my bed when she wants to, she really shouldn’t. What she thinks in the matter is irrelevant; I know better, I see the dangers and i will keep telling he
My advice to a young person: Keep yourself pure and hold yourself with value and dignity, don’t give it up. You will definitely regret it when and if you find true love and are happily married in the future. Most people do – they always wish they had kept themselves for their husbands or wives. When you are in a committed, happy marriage and you enjoy guiltless fulfilling sex, you see the difference and will wish you had not wasted yourself on meaningless passer- bys. It is never the same. No matter how good the sex was, I believe you will always regret it when you get married.
Sex is not like buying a new pair of shoes or a big…I kinda feel like it has become like the craze for throw away fashion.
To the young person – I would advise no sex before marriage no matter your faith. It is about dignity, purity, safety and plain good old fashion “hard to get”. You cannot and should not sample me if you will not marry me.
And if we are only dating, we cannot be sure no matter what our emotions are telling – No body knows tomorrow.
And therefore do not try to skirt with the devil (to play with words).
I already have so much love for you Single Nigerian Man – you are so right. Kissing will lead to groping, groping will lead to this and then that…
After all, like my husband says….the body is not a stone!
And the danger is that some guys are not asking permission to take it anymore, they just pin you down and take it; I am your boyfriend after all. It is sad but it is happening…
I will share my story later.
Great Post Ms Luffa, you write so well…I am a big fan. In fact you guys are such an inspiration to us newbie bloggers….(We will get there one day).
@Paul Ogunkoya; When i was younger despite the whole What Would Jesus Do movement, it wasn’t easy to remain aware that God was always watching me. I think there was a disconnect between the reality of God’s presence being ubiquitos and thinking he was only at church or something. I feel in order to appreciate God’s presence and be aware of it, one needs to embrace a relationship with him. Your comment has added a lot of clarity to this discussion and I thank you so much
@a.w.marks: it’s so rare to hear of someone your age being chaste. It’s encouraging to hear what you say about purity being of more importance to God than just chastity. That does make sense. Thanks so much for putting a new spin on the discussion.
@ Myne; i’m with you o! Marry sharp sharp… funny enough, i know a couple who have been together forever and were saving for a house instead of a wedding, immediately they got a mortgage, the babe got knocked up… Now they’re like no need for marriage. Only clause to that is, make sure it’s with the right person o!
@ Lets be Real with Faith: firstly, i so love the name of your blog, it’s like people really need to drop the facade and be real with God, like Paul said, God can’t be mocked, we are we fronting for – definitely not him. I love so many things about your comment, for real, if you must sample me, marry me… if ever there was a quote to lift for this topic, that’s it. I’m really intrigued by your comment, will you guest post for me pleaseeee!!! And thanks so much for the compliments, so pleased you enjoy the blog… i’m off to yours to ahve a read now
Lots of great comments and lively interactions on this topic, unfortunately I wasnt able to read them all so I might repeat something. I m not either pro or against celibacy, I believe its an individual decision between you and your God. I will say this for Church folk, many churches refuse to adequately address the issues of sex. I have had periods of celibacy, I cant speak for chastity cos even when I was a virgin, I had quite a curious mind. Celibacy when done right with chastity even after tasting the forbidden fruit can help to clear your mind. I am currently in a self imposed period of celibacy after a break-up, I think it has helped me constructively deal with the hurt and my thinking has been far less crowded. My advice for people/parents and the like, Have the sex talk with the youth when they are truly young and give both sides of the talk, the abstinence and the protection side and back it up with the bible and real life examples.