is ignorance bliss when it comes to cheating. Would you want to know what your man/woman is up to?
I saw the most ridiculous thing the other day… an advert for extramarital affairs. It read;
Looking for some fun and excitement? Well look no more. Discreet and confidential affairs arranged…
I was shocked beyond reasoning. Why would anyone willingly go looking to have an affair? I understand (not agree with) when it just happens, lack of self-control, strong temptations etc, but when someone decides to go looking for an affair it beggars belief – worst of all when they pay for it.
I was really miffed when I saw the story, like there aren’t enough temptations out there for married couples. Men are bombarded with boobs and bums on billboards, women are hit on by men at supermarkets, on buses and on the street. The fact that someone has made a business of ruining marriages is insane. I wonder what their business plan is like;
Target: Provide male and female home wreckers
Profit margin: 50 broken marriages per region = £50,000
Annual turnover: £1million
I just find the whole thing bizarre. Infidelity is way too easy these days. It seems to me people are loosing their scruples more and more every day. What ever happened to our moral compass as a society – looks like it’s all heading down hill from here.
I think more needs to be done to protect the family unit, and this isn’t a campaign for more people to get married or anything like that, rather more needs to be done to preserve the bonds that bind us together as a society.
A couple of weeks ago, a friend was telling me of how five of her six friends who got married last year are facing marital problems and three are on their way to divorce. Another friend of mine who got married four years ago is in divorce proceedings with her partner who by the sounds of things has been having an affair for the most part of their marriage. It’s all a bit heart breaking don’t you think?
All this makes me think I’ve taken my husband’s fidelity and loyalty for granted and it’s something I need to appreciate more – not entirely sure how to do that – but I’m determined to be grateful for every year I remain married.
It’s almost like when you get to that place when things are all too familiar in a relationship there’s a high risk of things going stale and other things and people could seem more interesting. It’s as though that’s when it’s most easy to have an affair.
not all home wreckers come will a signpost on their forehead or with bells and whistles on announcing their arrival... but you can always tell
I can’t say that I’ve ever been tempted to cheat on my husband and I pray to God that should that ever be an issue that I remain strong to withstand such foolishness, that said I appreciate it’s a tough call.
Someone once told me that men struggle more than women to be faithful, I find that such a load of nonsense. Fair enough men are moved by what they see and all that jazz, but at the end of the day, they have a choice to act on what they see or not. Honestly, I don’t think it’s any easier for a woman or a man, I think both sexes are faced with the incredible challenge of staying faithful. I find that there’s an element of being greedy and selfish that makes people cheat on their partner. I reckon those who do, think they can get away with it and thrive on the dangers of being caught. I find it one of the most demeaning things – it’s almost like someone cheating on you is saying they don’t care enough about how you feel. Am I right?
It seems to me fidelity is the one reason even Christ himself will condone divorce (Matthew 5:31), but then I know in some Christian circles even on those grounds they wouldn’t advocate divorce. I wish I understood the context Jesus was speaking in because it seems to contradict his love at all cost philosophy.
After all He says we should love our enemies, he also encourages us to treat others as we would want to be treated ourselves. I’ve painted cheating in a very cut and dry way but I know it’s more complicated than that, there are times of extreme weakness when you fail to restrain yourself and you do the dirty, at that point forgiveness is what you need, it’s what you’d long for – surely Christ would rather we forgave one another than have broken home, based on the outcome of momentary insanity.
If I were to look at my relationship with Christ as a marriage, He knows I’ve been a philanderer time after time, and he’s taken me back each time – fair enough I’ve had to face the consequence of my philandering, but there’s always been the hope of reconciliation. But then with marriage…
What do you think, where would you draw the line when it comes to breaking a marriage? Would you condone cheating and take an unfaithful partner back, or would you be prepared to work at it.
That’s an interesting post. It reminds me of something I wrote recently on my blog. Great job. Keep up the good work!
I read this somewhere:
“In our nation, a divorce is granted every 26 seconds. Slightly more than half of all marriages, and nearly 60% of all remarriages end in divorce. Divorces are granted for all kinds of reasons, but the most common rationalization for why marriages end is, “We just don’t love each other as we once did.” As a society, we have come to believe that when the romantic feelings of love have cooled, the relationship is no longer valid.
Author Thornton Wilder gives us a different perspective. He writes: “I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married, and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them – it was that promise.”
So here’s the point: Wilder understood that relationships are built upon a promise, not a passion. Should the passion die, relationships can continue because of the promise. In other words: it’s not your love that sustains your commitment, it’s your commitment that sustains your love.
Wow, this is a really interesting read! Cheating is a tough issue already when dealing with relationships that are in the dating stage but it takes a completely new level when it comes to marriage. One of things you mentioned was the importance of Christ in the relationship because that is part of the foundation of the commitment. If I was in a marriage, I have to say that I would have to take a leap of faith and trust that they are completely remorseful for their actions. I think in time, if God decides to reveal their true intentions then I’ll find out that I was wrong to take them back.
Great post! =)
Except on the grounds of fidelity…
The marital home is sacred, especially as it has been ordained and blessed by God. I am not married but I do know this and I will explain it as this…
Having found your missing rib and attached it to your body, infidelity is like removing a rib and testing another in it’s place, or rib being tested in another man’s body. It breaks the completeness and the sanctity of marriage. Now I have theories on why it is worse when the woman cheats too…
She is the foundation of the home, the home maker and builder… When that leaves and let’s another man rest on her, she invites all sorts into the home.
That aside, I believe the woman holds the home together, the man is responsible for making her feel it is worth it.
Men love your wives, women submit to your husbands… Gal 6 or is it Ephesians? *shrugs*
Me wonders why MsLuffa posts by this time and I am almost always awake to read and sometimes respond.
I absolutely hate breaking or broken homes…
Interesting post..
Honestly I always told myself it depends on what led to it. If it was a conscious effort by the man to cheat then I might seek temporary separation before doing anything like divorce or reconciliation just to think things through and seek God’s guidiance. I believe maybe later on in life God forbid I divorce him I might seek to go back but divorce will forbid me to as its a sin. Also, I dont believe in throwing a marriage away because of cheating especially when the man is making efforts to be repentant..So temporary separation and counselling first to work on ourselves.
However, if it was out of his “control” then maybe I will be willing to work things out but will need him to understand that time heals everything.
At the end of the day, its God’s grace that help one in such instance. I pray I dont encounter such in Jesus name.Amen!
You’re right Ms Luffa, sexual immorality is the only grounds for divorce. The vows, the marriage covenant has been broken and an emotional (a soul level tie) has been formed with someone else.
There is now a third person in your marriage. Someone that the cheater will always have no choice but to think about, remember, visualise whether good or bad…Oh what a mess!!
That is why God asks us to ‘flee’ from sexual immorality. Don’t try and be strong or deal with it… Just run.
Cheating is one of the most hurtful things you could do to your husband or wife. It is so damaging to a person. It’s something that has the potential to make or break that person because it has an impact on confidence and self esteem.
It is so horrible. Life is tough enough why add insecurity to it…
It tends to leave the person who has been cheated on wondering whether they deserved it, was it their fault, was it because they’re not enough … Messy messy messy.
I am married and it would really shake things up for me. Simply because I expect more from my husband. We have a history and because of that I know that he knows better that. I expect a very high standard from my husband and expect him to do whatever it takes to stay faithful not only to me but to marriage.
I actually do not care what led to it, he should do what ever takes not to cheat.
I believe in doing whatever it takes to save a marriage, however every marriage has a context, once the marriage covenant has been broken then it is the couples story and context that determines whether they can survive after one of them has cheated.
I know a couple who after infidelity stayed together. To me that is powerful, beautiful and absolutely the heart of Christ.
It has been a painful journey of highs and lows and my prayer is with them everyday. It will be part of that woman’s journey that she loved in a powerful way, that she loved through pain and heartache.
It takes mature and grown up people to deal with the after math of infidelity but boy are they going through!!
So in my marriage and everything we have been through, I sadly may not be able to see pass another woman sharing my bed, the lies, the hurt and the blatant disrespect.
As a wife, I would have had to be in the wrong place to cheat, to have pre meditated it.. No?
It would take me time to take my clothes off? It would take us time to find a suitable place? If we take our minds off from those well edited movies, it takes time to do the do in the real world.And the whole time, I know what I am about to do and I would have wanted to do it.
And if in all of that time, I did not think of my husband or my daughter, my brain did not say run then I am thinking maybe, i wanted to cheat on him and I thought, heck with the consequences. Then perhaps i need a little more time to grow up and assistance in understanding the sanctity of marriage and it’s responsibilities.
I can be remorseful, but there must be more going on with me and I believe I need help.
That is the best time to sit at the feet of Jesus and learn how to love.
I actually believe that this does not necessarily have to be case for everyone. Some marriages can and should survive, we should always try to save our marriages.
All marriages have a story and it’s only the 2 people involved that can decide what happens after one has cheated.
“a friend was telling me of how five of her six friends who got married last year are facing marital problems and three are on their way to divorce”
Sad.
Are all these marriages rocky as a result of infidelity? Or is there more going on? I’m just curious.
I know of an acquaintance’s marriage that lasted all of three months. It was over so quickly that most times i even forget that she was ever married. Never found out what happened though because i hate to pry.
For better for worse includes adultery too i guess. I think the antidote to this divorce craze is prevention. Know thy partner before you enter marriage. make your standards clear from the time you are dating. The man that knows that not only will his wife make his life a living hell if he cheats, but she will walk away from that marriage’ will think twice before he zips down.
But what I find more often is that ladies sort of sound accepting that ‘husbands will ultimately cheat’. So he cheats and waits for your reaction…
Funny how u give examples of recent failed marriages – know a few myself and such tales seem to be spreading like wild fire these days.
I think there’s also been a general degradation in the level of morals in these times. So a young man gets married thinking it’s okay to have side ‘meals’ as long as he doesn’t get served by his madame! His dad, uncle, friends, colleagues etc probably all do it. So what’s d biggie??
It takes determination, hardwork and GOD not to be a victim or perpetrator of such.
God help us!
Nice write…*thumbs up*
The sad truth is that an increasing number of people make wedding vows to the pleasurable feelings the partner provides and not to the person, hence, when other sources of these feelings are available, they jump ship (especially as the partner gets less exciting) without thinking twice.
With regard to the get out clause of infidelity. Christ’s intention is to indicate that the hurt party is guilt-free if they opt for a divorce (due to infidelity), however I believe he would want us to stick it through. He asks us to love each other as He loves us i.e. He still makes himself available even after we go a-whoring with idols sometimes
Really true what NMBW said. The level of ‘cheating is normal’ is quite scary. It does take God because left to the world’s standards…’ I couldn’t help it’ would seem almost humorous.
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@Tsizzles;i’m going to have to your blog a visit… thanks for stopping by.
@Matthewsink; Absolutely love that about the promise. I think that’s what a lot of divorced couples don’t get – for better or worse was your promise. Just before I got married, I asked myself if I could face life with my husband even when he was at his worst and never at his best. I came to the decision that I’d love him and stay with him regardless. Thanks for visiting and sharing.
@Mytruthinjest; there’s something ugly about cheating where the cheat insults your intelligence. It’s a tough place to come back from when you know the person’s lied to you before. But there’s something more liberating in choosing to beleive them – which is like saying, regardless of whether they are lying or not, you make a decision to trust them anyway. That’s love.
@SingleNigerianMan; I like your train of thought… there’s various repercussions when a woman cheats on her husband like wise a man, mainly because they play different roles in the home. It’s almost like having a cancer in a part of the body, it spreads and destroys everything in its path. It takes a lot to kill the cancer and to rebuild the area. Dude, i’m so grateful for read my posts (full stop) i’ll try to put them up at more sociable hours
@Unveilinggold; hon you’ve opened a can of worms and I see that Faith has responded to it in a way. Intent or not, i think there’s many opportunities for a man to stop and hold himself back… but hey… i applaud your forgivenesss.
Nah tis cool.. Not your fault I am up
@Faith; I agree with you on so many levels. For one thing, I think it’s only fair to expect fidelity when you are faithful, also I totally agree that there are many opportunities for a man/woman to back off from the lure of an affair.i hate that men are excused for being motivated by what they see,even more irritated by the thought that a woman has to do back flips amd gymnastics to keep her man interested while the man does nothing at all- both parties need to make an effort to make a marriage (relationship) work. I feel there’s a lot to learn from you on this subject…
@MimiB; it’s sad to hear about broken marriages. Tobe honest i don’t know that all those marriages I refer to broke becuase of infidelity, but there’s a possibility that had a role to play in it.
@Ginger; lol. You are right, some women are quite accepting of infidelity. A woman I know well advised me before I got married not to fall in love and to choose a partner based on what he can offer, she described falling in love as a bonus and not a prerequisite for marriage. She explaied that this way, should the man wonder it wouldn’t hurt so bad. Smh. Needless to say her advice Felton deaf ears.
@NMBW; I agree there’s anted for divine intervention in preserving marriages, but all couples have to do most of the work. No angels are going to help your husband keep his pants on, or ward off the die-hard men throwing everything at women…
@conferencier; true true, but even though the cheated is guilt free, this does nothing to east the pain and heal the scars of a divorce.