A friend of mine has a very trying relationship with her mother in law. The woman is one of those who like to stick her oar in everything, including those things that don’t concern her. She’s very critical about everything and rarely has anything good to say about people.
My friend – Leila, is very feisty and sharp tongued. On many occasions she’s spoken from her heart and told her mother in law off. As you can imagine this has caused a lot of embarrassment and increased tensions between the couple not to mention other members of the extended family.
In a bid to patch things up, Richard, Leila’s husband invites his parents and his in-laws over for dinner. His wife didn’t have to do the cooking, he’d ordered food in, all they had to do was sit and talk. Richard braced himself to be a referee, and prepared himself for a sling match. And that’s exactly what happened.
What was most shocking wasn’t so much that there was an argument; it was what was being said. Leila was quick to say Richard could have turned out a better and more successful person if his mother wasn’t a controlling busy body. Her mother in law was quick to retort that her sharp tongue and bitter heart is the reason why her womb has been closed and she isn’t a mother after six years of trying to get pregnant.
As Leila relayed the horrors of that night to me, I couldn’t help but conclude there’s so much bitterness between the women that they’re blinded to its impact on the rest of the family. Each one is holding on tightly to a grudge, refusing to let go of past hurts.
It’s so true that from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Everything in the heart bubbles up to the fore in our actions and our words. Sometimes we think things are dead and buried and we’ve forgiven and forgotten, but we haven’t, all it takes is a look or a word from someone of the sight of them to stir something bitter up, and it all comes rushing out.
Thankfully I’ve got the best mother-in-law in the world, so I can’t say I know how Leila feels, however, I know what it’s like to really despise someone and what I hated most was being shackled by the hatred, being restricted to a place of discomfort, pain and aggression as opposed to being free, happy, confident and open.
I’ve been learning to truly love people, especially those really hard to love. I discovered that the things they say and do won’t really hurt me if I look past their actions and consider the reasons why they are acting that way. Many people behave like victims of their past and present circumstances, and knowing that helps with being patient with their shortcomings and their flaws.
Many things spill out of the heart through our mouths that sometimes surprise us. A good friend of mine doesn’t believe that silly thing people do where they say something nasty and then say, ‘I’m only joking.’ Nah, as far as she’s concerned, it aint no joke, it’s something the heart has been harbouring for a long time. I know someone that gets in trouble a lot because of what she says “jokingly” turns out her jokes are rather expensive and very hurtful. I can’t help but think, there are some dark clouds looming on that heart that unleash a torrent of pain and hurt.
I remember once during a minor spat with an ex-boyfriend I wasn’t happy with, I blurted out, ‘I think we should go on a break.’ Needless to say once the genie was let out of the bottle there was no putting it back in. That was it, that relationship died an untimely death. At the time I didn’t know how bored I was with him until I was relieved it was over.
Have you blurted out something that surprised you or revealed how you really feel?
Heard a sermon on this one sweet sunday.. Not about the fighting but about taking offence. Rather than bore you with details, I will just share the high points…
1. It always starts out small but then it can build up to a mighty mountain.
2. Taking or picking offence is a conscious effort. It is entirely up to you.
I pray I don’t have problems with my people eventually. Even though I am an unusually happy go lucky person
I guess all I am saying is this, there can be really annoying people out there, letting that “well known” fact get to us, starts a chain of events that can be catastrophic.
i totally agree that taking offence is totally within ones control. These days i talk myself out of being upset and it actually feels good. I end up deciding that I won’t be upset about it, and I choose a more considered approach with dealing with the issue. It’s absoluetly amazing, i feel like i’ve lost weight because of it… holding a grudge just makes my heart feel clogged up and heavy. What’s the point of that?
WOW @ the women and their comments.. wow wow wow
Yes out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks….That helps me alot cos what you think of subconsciously can come out flying and hurting or blessing someone..
I find that just listening and not arguing with people when they are bent on their opinion is making my relationships easier..I just cant be bothered plus if it hurts or offend me, I try to speak up and clarify things so I dont get upset..Its really good to ask God to guide one and bridle our tongue sha..
I agree that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The concept of thinking before talk has become a rarity. We are quick to speak our minds without thinking of the consequences. Now speaking your mind might not be a bad thing if it is something positive but alas we are victims of our own negative thoughts which manifest themselves in our speech. I daresay more positive thinking will help dull the sharp tongue. One wife/mother-in-law issues, I believe after someone is married, the extended family should maintain a distance and should be seen on special occasions, perhaps holidays, birthdays and the like because too much of them brings burdens on the couple’s relationship. Us mama’s boys need to tell our mums to chill after we get married too.
@Unveilinggold : You’re bolder than i am. Back in the day, i never used to shy from confrontation, in fact i secretly relished it and foolishly offered on many occassions to speak up on other people’s behalf. Now… not so much. I find that I’d really rather just clear it up in my heart and release the person. I choose not to mind if they hurt me again. It’s just easier. Sounds like a doormat, but i’d rather be a doormat, than a battleaxe. I say this only because i’ve said some really hurtful things on so many occassions and unlike you I can’t be trusted to just say enough without making matters worse.
@SirFarouk: People say sense is common, I beg to differ, not every one has sense
You’re spot on when you saying thinking before talking is now a rarity. I’m with you, it’s super tempting to just open ones mouth keeping fingers crossed that something sensible will come out. Why do we feel this pressure to quickly say something? Silence they say is golden.
Meanwhile on the extended family front, i’m not sure i totally agree… In as much as I cherish the privacy of my home, i love having family members over, i love that they can just drop by, I love the fact that my son had cousins in his life, and not just on birthdays and special occassions. Growing up, i had that and I have fond memories of it. Sometimes we just have to take the good with the bad, or better yet set boundaries that everyone can respect.
I pray *Richard doesnt give up on trying to mend the fence between his mom and wife.
My tongue has betrayed me a number of times. I get into arguments and i wonder ‘why didnt you just keep your mouth shut and nod your head?’. Its a work in progress.
Methinks Its mostly ego/pride. the desire to be heard, to have the last word, to prove that you are better, more knowledgeable etc. Its innate but it can be worked on.
I am with Farouk. I dont want extended families living in each other’s pockets but if it happens, so be it.