Today I told the truth and I feel so good about it. I wrote a letter (more like email) to my dear sister about the horrid past, revealing six-year-old secrets I could have taken to the grave.
It’s crazy how, your family are the people who know you least and who you think you know, but really, you’d be shocked by the individual truths. I hate that I don’t really know my siblings. I hate that, people I don’t know even exist know them a lot better than I do. And I don’t understand why that is.
Deane, a girl I love was telling me the other day of how she’s considering not being her sister’s maid of honour because her sister disapproves of her new bisexual lifestyle. There’s a rift between both sisters now since Deane decided to move to Timbuktu with her girlfriend. For a long time she kept the whole thing a secret because she was scared of being judged by her sister, and the more she told me about it, I realised that she’s a totally different person around her sister. The person that she’s grown up to be is far removed from the person her sister thinks she is. Sad thing though is that her sister is convinced she knows Deane so well!
This really made me think. How do you stay true to the person you are now around people who see you the way you were? I’m not entirely sure about this, but I think my sister has this protective love for me and when she sees me, she probably still sees me as a rug rat, 4 /5 years old, playing with my bald-headed dolls, running amok in the house and being a tomboy. I don’t blame her though. It’s almost like I went from that to wife and mother, and she wasn’t really privy to everything that happened in between – the things that have led me to be the woman I am today.
I feel terrible that I’ve been part of the problem in my family. I’ve been secretive and worse still I haven’t taken a keen enough interest in the lives of my siblings, so effectively they are strangers I love. But that’s it though, with family you just know you’ll love them regardless, but sometimes i wonder if that’s what makes it so difficult when you find out something horrible, there’s this sharp pain of disappointment and it’s almost inevitable to be prejudiced.
I find that because your family want the best for you always, they can’t help but get too involved so much so it’s more of a repellant than a bonding glue and many families keep up appearances and manage the status quo, than really get deep into issues. And when they do… all hell breaks loose.
I have to say at this point though, that no matter what I discover about them, I know I’ll love them regardless… no one need fear judgement from me.
I dare not get all hoity toity with anyone, imagine a worm thinking it’s better than a slug…I’ve learnt that judging people is a very slippery slope. In God’s eyes we’re all the same. This song humbles me every time I hear it and reminds me of the power of forgiveness, and my dependence on grace.
What’s it like with you guys? What’s your relationship with family like? Would you say your family really know you?