Today I told the truth and I feel so good about it. I wrote a letter (more like email) to my dear sister about the horrid past, revealing six-year-old secrets I could have taken to the grave.
It’s crazy how, your family are the people who know you least and who you think you know, but really, you’d be shocked by the individual truths. I hate that I don’t really know my siblings. I hate that, people I don’t know even exist know them a lot better than I do. And I don’t understand why that is.
Deane, a girl I love was telling me the other day of how she’s considering not being her sister’s maid of honour because her sister disapproves of her new bisexual lifestyle. There’s a rift between both sisters now since Deane decided to move to Timbuktu with her girlfriend. For a long time she kept the whole thing a secret because she was scared of being judged by her sister, and the more she told me about it, I realised that she’s a totally different person around her sister. The person that she’s grown up to be is far removed from the person her sister thinks she is. Sad thing though is that her sister is convinced she knows Deane so well!
This really made me think. How do you stay true to the person you are now around people who see you the way you were? I’m not entirely sure about this, but I think my sister has this protective love for me and when she sees me, she probably still sees me as a rug rat, 4 /5 years old, playing with my bald-headed dolls, running amok in the house and being a tomboy. I don’t blame her though. It’s almost like I went from that to wife and mother, and she wasn’t really privy to everything that happened in between – the things that have led me to be the woman I am today.
I feel terrible that I’ve been part of the problem in my family. I’ve been secretive and worse still I haven’t taken a keen enough interest in the lives of my siblings, so effectively they are strangers I love. But that’s it though, with family you just know you’ll love them regardless, but sometimes i wonder if that’s what makes it so difficult when you find out something horrible, there’s this sharp pain of disappointment and it’s almost inevitable to be prejudiced.
I find that because your family want the best for you always, they can’t help but get too involved so much so it’s more of a repellant than a bonding glue and many families keep up appearances and manage the status quo, than really get deep into issues. And when they do… all hell breaks loose.
I have to say at this point though, that no matter what I discover about them, I know I’ll love them regardless… no one need fear judgement from me.
I dare not get all hoity toity with anyone, imagine a worm thinking it’s better than a slug…I’ve learnt that judging people is a very slippery slope. In God’s eyes we’re all the same. This song humbles me every time I hear it and reminds me of the power of forgiveness, and my dependence on grace.
What’s it like with you guys? What’s your relationship with family like? Would you say your family really know you?
There are things about me, my family and friends know nothing about. Things I will most likely take to the grave. Some things I don’t say because I don’t want them to worry, some things I don’t say because I don’t trust people enough and some things I don’t say because frankly I don’t think it is their business.
That has always been my way of life. Recently, I have found myself wishing more and more that I had one person I had no secrets with. I miss/need that
i can relate with that. Totally. But i’ve come to the conclusion it’s better to clear out the skeletons in my closet on my own terms rather than having someone or something else blurt it out for me and i have no control over it. On this occassion, i told my sister because I really want her to know I love and respect her. So sis, if you’re reading. that’s the truth. Don’t hate me.
Having said that, i think there’s so much to my life right now, and some secrets serve to hinder my progress and transformation. I feel lighter knowing that there isn’t anything about me the devil can hang over my head. it’s really liberating.
The day your name changes from Single Nigerian Man, then i’ll know you’ve found that special someone you have no secrets with. I pray you don’t have to wait long for that day.
In the bigger picture, its impossible for anyone to know you completely even you because all through life you are trying to find out more about yourself. my family definitely does not know everything about me and I dont know everything about everyone. I know its in my nature to be secretive and somewhat guarded so I dont blame anyone for not knowing me completely.
lol. Sounds fair, i guess sometimes too much information can cause more harm than good, but i like to believe in being clean about things.
Just playing devils advocate here, say for instance one day you choose to run for public office and during the campaign, one of your deepest darkest secrets is revealed, how will you manage the damage with family, and keep them smiling for the cameras? Deny it, or come clean?
I better have the best spin doctors/PR team available. Whatever my deepest darkest secrets are, I doubt there is anything that cannot be spun in the right direction with the right story and crocodile tears or an apology to gain sympathy or show that you are a changed person.